You Gotta Have Outlets

“You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.” —Andre Gide

In 1928, nestled between Venice and Milan, on the western shores of Lake Garda, a commune was united between two towns, Toscolano and Moderno. Sixty years before that Napoleon III and Victor Emmanuel II, who made up the Franco-Sardinian Alliance, defeated Franz Joseph I, the former Emperor of Austria. Sixteen hundred years before that, near what they called at the time, Lake Benacus, the Roman army led by Claudius II, won a decisive victory over the Germanic Tribes of Alamanni.

Lake Garda’s name originates from the German term ‘warda’ or ‘Guardian,’ and can be referred to as ‘a place of observation’ which is exactly what my Dad and I were doing together only four years ago.

American author, Henry James, offered his take on this area once, “One can’t describe the beauty of the Italian lakes, nor would one try if one could.” So I will gladly skip over that task. In fact, as much as I was taking in the beautiful view, I was mostly observing my Dad. We were on vacation and even on holiday, there is chaos. Kids were running around screaming. People were asking what time dinner was and wondering what the plan tomorrow will be.

In the surrounding area where both Roman poet, Catullus, wrote at his villa, and where the leader of the National Fascist Party, Benito Mussolini, established a nexus of communication with the Nazis during World War II, it seemed even in this safe, ‘guarded’, and visually stunning location it was easy to observe that stress, boredom, and commotion never lose sight of the shore of your mind.

I observed my Dad and I wondered, and mostly worried, “Will I be able to stay that calm? Will I be able to think clearly with commotion always around me whether I’m at my job or on a holiday?” I began to worry deeply that I wouldn’t be able to keep my cool in these future moments. So I asked for advice from my Dad, who at the time seem undisturbed by the commotion around me and was gladly enjoying his cigarette in peace.

I then ashed my cigarette and said, “How do you do it? How do you stay calm? I honestly don’t think I would be able to.” He just laughed, took a drag of his Marlboro, turned to me, and said something I’ll never forget. It’s actually the title of this article, he said, “You gotta have outlets.” I’m grateful to have shared many conversations with my Dad over the years, constantly asking for advice on how to navigate this strange world we all live in, and I felt compelled to share this moment with you years later.

In this article, I plan to discuss a few points on why outlets appear to be a good thing in my own life and how I think it could benefit your life too, especially in these obscure times. Here they are:

We’ve Been Voting.

We’ve Not Been Reflecting.

Voting, Reflecting, and *Transcending*.

“If you don’t know exactly who you want to be and what you want to be doing in 5 years, you’re already doing it.” — Tom Bilyeau

“The most practical way to change who you are,” says James Clear, author of ‘Atomic Habits’, “is to change what you do.” As he explains in his book, we do this by ‘voting’ for the person we aspire to be, not by searching for who we think we are.

Every time you write, you are casting a vote that you are a writer.

Every time you smoke, you are casting a vote that you are a smoker.

Every time you bitch and moan that the world isn’t spinning like how we falsy expect it to, you are casting a vote that you are an entitled individual.

Every time you workout, you are casting a vote that you are someone that looks after their physical fitness.

We like it when people notice our good votes and we hate it when people notice our bad votes.

We want to have our cake and eat it too.

Speaking from experience as someone who writes, smokes, exercises, and admittedly complains about trivial matters, it doesn’t work that way. In fact, it does quite the opposite — we then can’t get off the rollercoaster of emotions so what do we do? We seek justification from our friends, family, and neighbors, and according to Napoleon Hill, author of the famous ‘Think and Grow Rich,’ this is the “#1 reason people fail in life.” In addition to this, Paul Coelho, author of ‘The Alchemist’ has a great line, “Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.”

We’re all out here guessing. There are no rules for this. Take a look around, nobody has a clue what they’re doing either. Not him. Not her. Not you. Not your dog. Definitely not your cat. Not me. Nobody. Some people can deal with this fact. Some are slowly coming around to it. Some will never accept it and live their entire lives based on other people’s opinions and somehow are shocked and utterly appalled that things didn’t turn out how they wanted.

On top of that, mass media tells us 24/7 to “Fight Mediocrity! Shoot for the Stars!” This can morph into a catalyst for abysmal failure or even worse, hollowed-out success. Obstacles, like other people defining what success is for you, do not block the path of you creating your own definition of success, rather, as the Zen proverb goes, “they are the path.”

Over time, if we don’t accept these obstacles, we may turn into something like the horse, Boxer, in George Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm,’ believing that if we only worked harder and celebrated our busyness, ‘success’ would be inevitable. However, what if your definition of ‘success’ is a comfy desk job, living in a small town, and a non-extravagant lifestyle? What if working less hard and being less busy was how you measured your level of success? What if you didn’t give a single fuck about what society thinks are ‘real jobs,’ ‘nice cities to live in,’ and ‘productive lifestyles’? What if you are in fact already doing what you want to be doing 5 years from now?

Where does that leave you? Well, at least seen from my perspective, we’ve been voting this whole time.

Me. You. Your dog. Maybe your cat. This person. That person. Everybody.

You are who you are today strictly based on the aggregate of all of your ‘votes.’ If you are labeled with a (commonly accepted good quality ie. being a kind person) by the many people you come in contact with, you have amassed the votes to deem that true. If you are labeled with a (commonly accepted bad quality ie. being an asshole) by the many people you come in contact with, you have amassed the votes to deem that true as well. It should therefore not be a surprise that people perceive you as you are.

Here’s the second thing: We’ve been voting, but we’ve not been reflecting. Why not? Reflection is painful, but it’s also necessary in order to progress in virtually anything. Epictetus said, “Progress is not achieved by luck or by accident, but by working on yourself daily.”

Personally, I am a big advocate for journaling. There’s are many reasons that psychiatrists make a six-figure salary and being highly skilled in listening objectively to your problems is a big one. Luckily for us, you can pay a few bucks, get yourself a notebook, write in it, read your own stuff, and objectively view your thoughts without attaching yourself to them and thinking you’re a miserable example of a human being. Nope, instead, you can confidently say, “That’s a thought. That’s not me. That’s a bad thought. I’m not necessarily a bad person because of it. That’s a good thought. I’m not necessarily a good person because of it either.” Anne Frank said, “Paper is more patient than people.” I couldn’t agree more. If you choose to journal, remain patient. Reflection shines a light on both the good and the bad, which is ultimately good! However, some things just take time to work themselves out, as Seneca remarked, “Only time can heal what reason cannot.”

What if you won’t journal even if your life depended on it? Not even if there’s a fire? That’s fine. Go for a walk. Go paint. Go water your plants. Go play. Go smoke a cigarette. Go meditate. Alan Watts once asked Joseph Campbell what kind of meditation he does, he said, “I underline sentences.”

All in all, go somewhere physically, so mentally you can go somewhere to reflect. It does not need to be on the shores of Lake Garda to get the same effect. Writer, Madeleine L’Engle, said, “It is the ability to choose which makes us human.” So regardless of where you choose to go or how you choose to retreat inward, there is great freedom to be discovered from committing to a life full of reflection.

Austrian-British philosopher, Luttwid Wittgenstein, is quoted saying “An inner process stands in need of outward criteria.” This is why it seems it’s important to retreat inward to find the answers you seek, however, living on top of a mountain contemplating your insignificance in the universe isn’t going to do anything for you except add to the existential crisis you felt before you hiked to the top of a mountain. In Alan Watts’s words, “The only Zen you’ll find on the mountain tops is the Zen you bring up there with you.” In essence, wherever you go, there you are.

People don’t care about what you say or how aesthetically pleasing your resume looks, as David Carr, a former columnist for the New York Times declared, “They want to see what you have made with your own little fingers.” But you may say, “But what if these little fingers make mistakes?” Well, join the club! “Life can only be understood backwards;” stated Søren Kierkegaard, regarded as the first Existentialist philosopher, “but it must be lived forwards.” So let’s move forward together.

Well, where is the knowledge we have lost in this wacky world where the information broadcasted on news channels parallels to the level of drama accustomed to that of the late MTV show, ‘Jersey Shore’? Here we return to advice handed out at the beginning of this article, “You gotta have outlets.” As Jordan Peterson stated in an interview once, “Solve the practical before the existential.”

Practically speaking, if you want to be ‘happy’ find a problem worth solving, ideally by doing so you not only help yourself but others too. Pour yourself into it. Become a student to it like how Quentin Tarantino was to cinema while working in a video rental store. Conquer Self before you are conquered by Self. Although, this presents many difficulties to manage.

It’s hard to be content with imperfection. It’s challenging to just stop racing with everyone, even if that’s as Bob Marley commented, “the day you win the race.” We fear to be late to the game even if it is in our best interest. FOMO can be debilitating. We overestimate what we can do in the short term and underestimate what we can do in the long term. In the meantime, instead of remembering that, “The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing” as Steven Covey would prescribe, we choose to terrorize ourselves brooding over our guilty pleasures. We struggle to reclaim our leisure out of shame we’re not more like good ol’ Boxer, who works himself to death. This all doesn’t sound like much of a deployable strategy.

The Danish have a word for the ritual of enjoying life’s simple pleasures: “hygge.” The broadway musical, ‘Frozen’, made a whole song about it to make you feel all cozy whilst in theaters just like what ‘Bare Necessities’ did for the ‘Jungle Book’ and what ‘Hakuna Matata’ did for the ‘Lion King’.

However, “it isn’t necessarily what you have or who you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy,” Dale Carnegie observed, “it’s what you think about.” How you choose to stay calm even while you’re ferociously kicking underneath the surface the way ducks do, albeit smoking a cigarette next to a lake in Northern Italy or competing in the Badwater Ultramarathon in Death Valley, what appears to matter most is that you arrive at a state of stillness.

To do this, I like to recall the book, ‘Essentialism,’ by Greg Mckeown, in which he references the German phrase, “Weniger aber besser.” In English, this translates to “Less but better.” This is how we go from voting to voting and reflecting, and then on to voting, reflecting, and *transcending*.

In his book, ‘Ego is the Enemy’, Ryan Holiday wrote a chapter titled, “TO BE OR TO DO?” Within these pages, he shares a thought-provoking question: “Do you want to be someone or do you want to do something?” To present this situation, fighter pilot, Colonel John Boyd sets the scene in his own words:

“ Tiger, one day you will come to a fork in the road and you’re going to have to make a decision about which direction you want to go. If you go that way you can be somebody. You will have to make compromises and you will have to turn your back on your friends. But you will be a member of the club and you will get promoted and you will get good assignments. Or you can go that way and you can do something — something for your country and for your Air Force and for yourself. If you decide you want to do something, you may not get promoted and you may not get the good assignments and you certainly will not be a favorite of your superiors. But you won’t have to compromise yourself. You will be true to your friends and to yourself. And your work might make a difference. To be somebody or to do something. In life, there is often a roll call. That’s when you will have to make a decision. To be or to do? Which way will you go?”

This is probably one of the toughest questions I’ve ever come across which I was why I think it is worth the value to share it. There are takeaways from both sides which makes it tough to choose, which is why I believe, oddly enough, the best answer is to not have to choose. An alternate route is to transcend the question itself. Continue to do what you want and what you believe to be true by voting with disciplined intention, plus, be who you are, and stay true to your values by reflecting with honest humility.

This is not a get-rich-scheme. This is a become-valuable process. Essentialism concerning a few things, not exceptionalism concerning many things. Feeling engaged in what you do, not feeling entitled to what you expect from it. Self-acknowledgment of your weaknesses, not self-aggrandizement of your strengths. Yes, solving problems may bring happiness, but life is not to be solved, nobody has arrived at any solution anyways. Life is therefore as Kierkegaard regarded, “a reality to be experienced.” Getting started is what people fear most though, but don’t give in before you start because of how long it could take to achieve. The time is going to fly by anyway.

The Minicio River is the main outlet for Lake Garda. In addition to that, after a number of great floods in the second half of the 19th century, the Mori-Torbole Tunnel was built in 1959 to connect the Adriatic Sea via the Adige River with Lake Garda which keeps the water levels from rising too high. How does this apply to what we’ve been talking about? Well, a couple of things.

1. There are forces outside of you that are outside of your control and they have the ability to stir the waters within in you, just like flooding can cause damage to surrounding areas.
2. As said before we’ve been voting. In other words, you already have natural outlets that help you deal with an overflowing sense of emotions. To follow the metaphor, these outlets help you reconnect with a greater ocean of ideas that can serve to calm you, or at least the surface for the time being.
3. Also, as said before, we’ve not been reflecting. In other words, when things do start to flood you need to reflect on what’s working and what’s not working. Only then can you take action and build new outlets to help your situation level out before you capsize and drown in your own pool of thoughts.

Playing to your natural outlets while working to build better ones can work wonders in steading your mind. Essentials in, non-essentials out. Don’t wait for the right thing, the right way, or the right time to discover what is the essential, keystone ‘vote’ that will help flow towards the identity, not the goals per se, of who you are aiming to become.

So, how will you vote? Here are a few ideas:

Write the things you want to read.

Make the music you want to hear.

Cook the food you want to eat.

Take the photos you want to see.

Make the clothes you want to wear.

Vote for who you want to be.

By voting and reflecting, you can forgo the binary and arbitrary pressure to be someone or to do something. You can rise above that and allow yourself to not be bogged down by this unnecessary stress. Thanks to outlets, natural and constructed, instead of you observing the lake with all its history, beauty, and calmness, it will be the lake observing you in all your history, in all your beauty and in all your calmness. It may ask you the same questions I asked my Dad four years ago, “How do you do it? How do you stay calm? I honestly don’t think I would be able to.” My only hope is you would look back and smile because now you know the answer, “You gotta have outlets.”